ONE YEAR AGO

It has been one-year since I got the restraining order and had Tracy removed.

Last week I started having nightmares again.  I dreamed that Tracy was standing over me with a knife trying to kill me.  Then I dreamed that I was holding a child and Tracy was chasing me and trying to kill us both.  I could not figure out why the nightmares started up again.  Then it hit me.  I checked my calendar and sure enough it was one year to the day when Tracy was threatening me.  It is really amazing how the mind works.

This week is the week I served the restraining order and had her removed from the house.  I have been having a hard time concentrating.  I am eating junk food like crazy.  I can't work.  I am really tired.  I don't think I am sleeping well.

Just when I think this is over, it isn't over.  I am a mess all over again.  This weekend I had moments when I could not breath.  I found myself double checking locks and putting on the alarm when it is still light out.  All unreasonable considering Tracy lives thousands of miles away.  But you can't tell my irrational self.

I know it is a process.  I know it will take time.  I just want it to happen quicker.  I want her to be a thing of the past.  Like a memory of a bad meal you had at a restaurant.  Or the night you had food poisoning.  Bad things that fade with time.

more to come...

MOVED TO NEW JERSEY?

I found out that Tracy moved to New Jersey.  I was happy at first.  I was able to leave the house without a restraining order.  Without having to look behind me all the time.

Then someone told me they saw her in town.  Is she back?  I don't know.  I am carrying the restraining order again.  I am checking behind me all over again.  Damn.  I thought it was going to end.

Family

In November I met up with all my brothers and their partners and had a talk with them.  It was the first time I was meeting with them in person.  I sat them down and told them what I was going through. What I went through.  I wanted them to understand what domestic violence is and what it does to people.  I wanted them to know it was not just a break up.  That I would not just get over it.  They were all supportive and some cried.  It was a wonderful moment.

Then I met with my mother and her husband.  They were incredibly supportive.  I was very surprised since my relationship with my mother has not always been that great.  My mother has been the least judgmental and most supportive asking what can I do for you?  Are you safe?

Then this January I went to see my father and his wife.  Despite the fact that my father has been the most supportive person for most of my life, he has become not so supportive.  He has basically told me to get over it.  His wife got in an argument with me and yelled at me and called me a jerk.  I felt that was unacceptable considering I just got out of a situation where my partner yelled at me and called me names.  I was shocked. I told her she could never do that again.

It has been interesting how different people take the information.  One brother got upset because I was saying things about Tracy.  He began defending her.  My step-mother doesn't want to stop employing her.  Long story short Tracy works for my step-mother's sister.  I asked them to stop employing her and they didn't want to because they were afraid if they stopped employing her Tracy would get mad and do something to her sister.  I was upset that they were worried about her sister and not worried about me.  By continuing to employ Tracy they were allowing her to live in my area by giving her money.  Others said they never liked her that much anyway.

Many friends told me they liked Tracy but they really liked me.  I was shocked because Tracy was larger than life. She filled the room.  Tracy used to tell me that I was mean and that people didn't like me so I still have a hard time hearing that people like me and didn't like her.

more to come...

GETTING MY LIFE BACK ON TRACK

I have been trying to get my life back on track.  I thought that not thinking about Tracy for awhile would make things better.  That didn't work.

Around the holidays Tracy followed me for a few blocks.  That really freaked me out.  I mean really freaked me out.  I could not contact the police because even though I knew it was her, I could not prove it with video or photos because she was 1/2 a block behind me and I thought it would be too dangerous to turn around and confront her.  I have learned that without some sort of photo or video proof, the police are not going to do anything.  Maybe a witness would help but she and I were the only two people on the street for 4 blocks.  It was scary.

I have five police reports and they are worth the paper they are written on.  I try to keep positive that when the two year restraining order expires, I will be able to go to court and get an extension if this continues with no difficulty.

more to come...

MAKES ME LOSE MY BREATH AND SHAKE LIKE A LEAF

It has been a while.  I have been working very hard to get my life back on track.

• The nightmares and night frights have decreased.  I am still unable to enter a dark room or take a shower without being in fear. I can't be in the house without the alarm on at night.  I am thankful I have two dogs.
• I have been moving things around in the house.  I took down all the photos and memorabilia of the two of us.  I have the frames laying on a bar and I have to take them out of the frames.  Baby steps.  It is hard to see the two of us together and smiling.  It is hard to explain it to people.  I am not sad about us not being together.  I am sad that it ended the way it did.  I am angry that I am left this way.  I am furious that I am having to go through domestic violence.  I moved my office into the room that she used to watch HOURS of TV.  I got rid of the couch that she spent HOURS on.  It is now my office.  I made my office into a guest room and I bought all new furniture.  I bought myself a new mattress that arrives in two days.  
• I took some pictures to be framed.  I wanted to put up pictures/art that reflects me.  It is making me smile.  I bought a map of the world and had it mounted and framed.  I took out the glass and now I can put in pins on the places I want to visit.  Fun!
• I planned trips.  I already went to Oregon.  Next I go to Vegas were I am going to meet my siblings.  Then I am going to Florida in a few months.  In Florida I am going to Disney World, I am going to see two friends and two relatives.  
• I put up security cameras and they broke and now I bought new cameras.  I have to put them up this weekend.  I like having the cameras even though they go against my privacy concerns.  I need to feel safe.
• I have been working on fixing the things in the house that need to be fixed.  I could not have workers in the home with Tracy so now I have to fix one thing after another.  Little by little.
• I bought some clothes that fit.  I have been wearing clothes that are too big for a while now.  I lost a bunch of weight in the last year due to a change in diet.  Now my clothes hang on me.  I finally went and bought some clothes that make me look good!

I have run into Tracy.  I found out she is living one block away.  I was walking down the street and Tracy was walking up the block and saw me.  She didn't veer away, she just walked right by me.  I could have reached out and touched her.  She just glared at me.  The same "if looks could kill" look that she gave me in court.  A neighbor had mentioned that she lost some weight.  I was shocked when I saw her.  Well, not really shocked but surprised.  Either she is not eating or she is using drugs again.  She looks like she dropped 40 pounds since June.  I have seen her other times like when I am in my car I see her walking and she glares at me.  It still makes me lose my breath and shake like a leaf.  I just want to run and lock myself in my house.

I report it to the police each time she violates the restraining order.  I went to the DA to try and get them to do something about it.  The DA will not press charges.  Even after she walked by me on the street and called the house.  

My frustration with the system is beyond.  I can't begin to tell you.  

I am trying to move in a direction where I become an activist and try to help change the system.  It just takes one person to make change.  Isn't that what they say?  I could be that one person.

more to come...

WHAT RESTRAINING ORDER?

Of course she had to come back.  She came back sometime yesterday and put an item in my mailbox.  I guess she didn't want it.  She broke the restraining order once again.  I can't prove it because I didn't see her.

The security cameras I bought stopped working when I got my new phone.  I have to get that fixed.  I spent hours on the phone with tech support.  I got one camera working but the others are not working.  Had I got her on the camera, I could have pressed charges.  She just doesn't get it.  She snubs her nose at the restraining order.  She doesn't care that the court told her to stay away.

Also she didn't give me back something.  She made an agreement that if I gave her a necklace she would give me back a ring.  I gave her the necklace and guess what?  No ring.  I guess I should not be surprised.

more to come...

HER STUFF IS FINALLY GONE

Today she came to pick up her stuff.  After months of making demands of wanting this item or that item.  After months of dodging the requests to get her stuff out of my home.  After months of negotiations. She finally showed up and took her stuff.

It took me getting a security guard, a neighbor and hiring a helper.

The helper came yesterday to move all the boxes into the middle of the garage.  I cordoned off the rest of the garage. That was step 1.

Step two was finding a neighbor to agree to come and be the greeter.  The security guard would not come unless there was someone who knew Tracy in attendance.  I asked a few neighbors and I heard every excuse.  One neighbor said they didn't feel safe being around her.  Fair enough.  I don't either!  Another didn't want to get in the middle of this.  A few had work commitments. Can fault them for that!  One would only do it if I told Tracy and she agreed to him being there.  Forget that!  Another had his stag party that night.  I told him, forget it you are off the list.  I want him to enjoy his party and not think about my mess.

The third step was getting the security guard and getting everyone there on time.

Believe it or not, it all worked out.  I was gone at 8:45 am and Tracy was supposed to show up at 9 am.  I hear she came with a neighbor.  The same neighbor who's phone she used to call me.  They made three trips in his little truck.  Since they made short trips, they must  have transported the boxes to his house.  Oh, did I mention his house is only 1.25 blocks away.  Probably just over the 100 yards (in the restraining order) away.  She must be living there.  I am just shocked.  She hardly knew him.  I was the one friendly with him.

The security guard said she was angry.  She would not look at him and would not shake his hand.  It took about 1.75 hours.  I took the dogs for a long walk and then we sat in my car.

I came home and took out the Wii and played a couple of games of bowling.  Then later I saged the house to cleanse it.  After I decided I wanted to go to  a fancy dinner by myself.  I remembered this fancy restaurant that Tracy would never go to.  I called and they had room for me.  I got some clean clothes on and out I went.  I met a really nice bartender Phil, and I got great food.  He even gave me a free sorbet.

It is weird.  I thought I would feel SO Happy.  I don't. Maybe I will tomorrow.  I feel sad and weird and like something is missing.

more to come...

MAKING A DIFFERENCE

Now I am constantly thinking about how I can get involved.  What I can do to make a difference.  I had this horrible thing, this devastating thing, happen to me and now I want to do something to make it better for the next person.  I hear that for most people after a horrendous incident doing something makes them feel better, makes them whole faster.

I just don't know what to do.  No one seems to want my help.  I called a pet safe program that is supposed to take in your pet if you need to run and don't have anywhere to put your pet.  Well, I found out that that is not true.  I would have had to be in a shelter in order to put my pet in the pet shelter.  I think that is ridiculous.  So people who are running for their lives can only have their dogs taken care of for the night if they meet some socio-economic level.  Does that seem bizarre to anyone but me?  Because I didn't stay in a shelter (that I didn't even know existed) I couldn't board my dogs?  So crazy.  More bureaucratic bullshit.

This all goes back to the day the cops came to my home to help me get my go bag.  They were supposed to give me three pamphlets.  They did not.  The cop in charge asked me if I had a plan and I said yes and he said fine.  No pamphlets.  No help.  My plan fell through and I was left crying in my car with two dogs and I had not had any food since the night before.  What was I going to do?  I could not think.  If not for the hospitality of strangers, I would have slept in my car and been unsafe all night.

Something needs to change.  I want to help make that change.

more to come...